It’s finish. It is time to move on. Doug Fister is gone.
Steve Lombardozzi is also gone.
Ian Krol is still there, but don’t we basically know what we have in Mr. Krol? An average southpaw who will have skill episodes mixed in with Dave Brandon level incompetence episodes Answering E-mail.
Dombrowski’s real hope of saving face with this mess lies with a young man, Mr. Robert Glenn Ray. Robbie obviously just finished his stint in the Arizona Fall League, which is a little curious since there are a few weeks left in the season. I don’t mean to launch conspiracy theories, but is it because he’s due to get married next week? Certainly an affair as mundane as pledging for a lifetime of loyalty to a woman wouldn’t hamper something as precious as fall league baseball!
But is Robbie Ray going to be good? We could look at the “stats” (aka nerd witchcraft) or notice this fall that he posted a 2.45 ERA in 11 innings and had 13 strikeouts in six walks, or we could GO MORE DEEP. Yes, I’m talking about the Stuff On Your foolproof lead assessment metric Wedding gift registry (SOYWGR).
Macy’s and Bed, Bath and beyond
Pretty solid choices. Always go for a well-recognized national chain and choose more than one store. Bed, Bath and Beyond is accessible without the stigma of being a total pleb and going with Target. Macy’s shows class without being a jerk who chooses Williams-Sonoma.
Analysis: Use good judgment here. We can trust the mental side of the game. Will be able to mix heights well.
Stand mixer color
There’s no gift list in America that doesn’t include a fucking KitchenAid stand mixer. These things weigh about as much as a pre-pubescent Prince Fielder and are built the same way. You can mix cement in any of these bad boys (don’t do that, it doesn’t make women happy, trust me). The cool thing about these suction cups is that they are available in every color imaginable. It’s like they’ve lifted the color palette from the Marlins’ home run feature. Ray’s decision to go black is conservative but smart. Sure, it’s going to show a lot more flour than, say, white, but it’s a classic look that will go with any kitchen decor change.
Analysis: This shows the propensity to be safe. Maybe Ray chooses to walk on the hitters instead of following them right after. Does he need more Killer Instinct?
Noritake® Colorwave Square 4-Piece Graphite Cutlery
Another solid decision. I generally prefer the more traditional and timeless round shape, but the neutral graphite color makes up for the more dramatic contemporary shape. You can see this is a solid choice as the wedding attendees have already purchased the requested 12 sets. $ 40 is a good scalable price.
Analysis: He’s a solid locker room guy. He will support his teammates and will not cause any problems. Will probably give boring interviews.
Calphalon® Contemporary 11-Piece Non-Stick Cookware Set
At $ 339.99, this is a big item, but it’s the area to splurge. Cooking utensils will last forever and you use frying pans and pots all the time. At the time of going to press, this article has not been purchased, so here is your chance to step up. If no one does, this is a great place for our young couple to use their gift cards and get there. Opulence, I got it!
Analysis: Maybe Ray is biting more than he can chew at this point? Does it need a little more seasoning for the minors? It may take Toledo a few more months before it is ready for prime time.
The worst article
Spring loaded molds are total bullshit. You’re probably wondering what a springform pan is because no one in their right mind owns one of these useless pieces of crap. I should know, I have one.
A springform pan is basically a steel collar that locks firmly around a circular base. They are used to make cheesecakes, pies and crap. To make matters worse, Robbie wants four small, individually sized springform pans! Not only do you have to whip up a whimsical abomination, but you only have four desserts for your efforts! You only use these things for entertainment, and now you can only have TWO FRICKIN PEOPLE TO HAVE DESSERT. Just do something in a large pot or bowl!
Analysis: Don’t look at Dombrowski now, but this article raises some real questions. Do you want the centerpiece of a craft to rot in the back of an AAA spinning, like a long forgotten springform pan in recesses of a closet that has never been accessed. Anguishing.
Dishonorable mention of the worst articles:
- OXO Good Grips® Apple Separator – Just use a knife, go!
- Breville® Juice Fountain® Plus – You are going to use it as one time. Who do you think you are, Jack Lalanne?
- 30 Reusable Ice Cubes – These things will just clutter up your home. Just use normal ice cubes like non-jerks
Presto 07030 Hot Plate, Jumbo Cool Touch
Every good American loves breakfast, and to make a good breakfast you need an electric griddle. The bigger it is, the better it is when it comes to these things. You need real estate to lay pancakes or maybe fry bacon on one side and eggs on the other. Here’s a jumbo sized unit for just $ 17.99. This is theft !
Analysis: Maybe all is not lost. This guy could really step up and be as good as Doug Fister over a longer period of time and for a cheaper price. Especially after eating a nice fried American breakfast.
Honorable mention for the best articles:
- 1 Quart Pyrex® Measuring Cup – You use these things all the time. A flight for $ 6.79
- OXO Good Grips® Stainless Steel Ice Cream Scoop – A solid ice cream scoop will save your marrage. OXO does good shit too.
- Dailyware ™ 10 1/2 oz Rocks Glasses – Simple glasses for an easy drink. Just pour in some alcohol and enjoy!
This SOYWGR shows a few flashes of rising and generally avoids the big mistakes (aside from those silly springboard molds). The gift list has spoken! He will have a solid but unremarkable career. The list doesn’t lie!
Or maybe he just wandered a stone’s throw from his fiancee in the store and absently scanned things that she pointed to as he looked at his phone.
I hope not, that could call into question the validity of this analysis.