Citizen of Conejos County | The gift list

Weddings have long been a tradition celebrated around the world as a time of merry gathering for wedding friends and family members. Because that’s when people can come together and wish the newlyweds good luck and admire all the gifts they receive and bet on how the items will be distributed after the divorce a few years later.

Now Ol ‘Dutch has never had a problem giving his friends some sort of token gift for daring to even start a marital union, but the gift registry is the biggest scam ever imposed on the worshiping public.

Because that’s when friends are suddenly presented with a list of “approved” items that the bride has selected for “you” to purchase. And not only do you have to choose from her list, but those same gifts will be opened and displayed for all of her and your friends to see at the wedding venue. Which makes it all sort of a competition where people try to “compare” with each other to see who loves the lovely bride the most and buys her the most expensive item from Tiffany’s.

Now Ol ‘Dutch has long been a victim of this scam and has purchased countless items for the bride to take with her when she files for divorce. And the reason I know it’s not a man is part of choosing the location of the registry. Because if he was, he would choose Cabelas, Golf World, Bass Pro, Big Bob’s Jerky Palace or Jim’s Bar and Grill to be on the approved list.

Ol ‘Dutch began to think about the origin of this penchant for the feminine persuasion of gifts and I suspect it may be traced back to when Eve, Adam’s wife, received the first apple peeler from her friends in the garden and we all know how it worked.

But regardless of its source, it is always the women who choose the said registry locations as the man stands idly by wondering how he will ever be able to fillet a fish with the silver-handled cake knife that will always be stored away. in a drawer somewhere. Of course, said neophyte only cares about the happiness of the bride, and soon he will enjoy unlimited sex by making her happy with a ring, a house, an income and the intricacies of marriage. Boy, are men stupid.

Ol ‘Dutch is lucky to have reached the old age where my friends are either all married or if they marry again, they already have two households full of toasters and silverware, glass cups. crystal, candle holders, salt dishes, cake knives, mixers and others. registry items and thus relieves the rest of us from buying them a gift.

And the invitations usually state that no gifts are expected in the invitation, so I can get away with it no matter what Miss Trixie says. Because you see, she always gives gifts to people for no reason. And boy, has she ever been wrong because she has never been married and has never been able to “get revenge” on all of her friends that she has bought wedding gifts for over the years.

Lately, brides have decided to send out detailed announcements about what each person should spend on gifts and the list includes diamonds and jewelry, boats and cars, and even houses. Which would send a clear message to Ol ‘Dutch that they didn’t want to be friends anymore.

Fortunately, most men in these situations were able to walk away from the event and can let their wives and friends attend and have a good cry. This is also where they get their wedding cake booster dose that has long been known as an inoculation against sex. Because it’s around the time they first participate in said delicious white goodness that they find out they want a house and cars and not a sweaty man groping them all the time.

So for those of you still stuck in the era where wedding attendance is still a part of your life where you give people gifts to buy their friendship, god bless you and your bank account for you are forever. in a loop that you can’t escape. . And for the bride and groom, take advantage of the heartfelt birthday card I gave you for the blessed event, as that’s all I could find at the Dollar Store on short notice.
Kevin Kirkpatrick and his Yorkie, Cooper, fish, hunt, mountain bike or hike every day. His email is [email protected]public.com. Additional news can be found atwww.troutrepublic.com


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